By the Heckler

Just when you thought serving sushi with strikeouts a sacrilege; doling out coconut prawns and Napa Valley Chardonay a slap in the face of all things sacred; and substituting salad for something soaked in any sort of sauce akin to a complete contradiction to the very fabric of the game – along comes baseball battling back.

And then some.

Ladies and gentlemen, for all of us raised on standard ballpark fare like hotdogs, peanuts, beer and soda – including the late Humphrey Bogart who said, “A hot dog at the ballpark is better than a steak at the Ritz,” - the Heckler proudly introduces my dear readers to . . . the doughnut burger.

That is not a misprint. You read that correctly: The doughnut burger.

In an effort to create “Baseball’s Best Burger” for their opening night in late May, the Gateway Grizzlies of the Frontier League appear to have outdone themselves – at least on the cardiac scale.

Boasting a hamburger patty with two slices of bacon, plus two slices of sharp cheddar, the Grizzlies went one step further on the completely-gluttonous barometer and packaged everything together in between a sliced Krispy Kreme Original Glazed doughnut. Yes – the doughnut is the bun.

Nutritional value to anyone who dares to actually eat one of these monstrosities? A mere 1,000 calories and a whopping 45 grams of fat.

Somewhere, Babe Ruth’s mouth is surely watering.

Grizzlies general manager Tony Funderburg told ESPN.com that the team is looking to peddle between 100-200 of the doughnut burgers at each game – and at $4.50 a pop – justifies the price by pointing out that diners get both dinner and dessert in one fell swoop for their money (you know, because who has time to eat both – separately!)

Funderberg pointed to an establishment in Atlanta called Mulligan’s as the sandwich’s gastric inspiration, who offer a similar fare called the Luther Burger (after hometown son, the late Luther Vandross). It also comes on the heels of a popular sandwich served at Peppi’s in Steeltown for Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger (called, go figure, the Roethlisberger) that combines ground beef, scrambled eggs, sausage, grilled onions and American cheese.

Digging deep into the cupboard of the absurd is hardly new to the Grizzlies: two years ago they unveiled the self-professed “Baseball’s Best Hotdog” that one-upped the traditional treat by coupling it with double bacon, sauerkraut, sautéed onions and a cheddar cheese sauce. Then, continuing the craze, debuted the “Swiss Brat” last year – a bratwurst sausage (topped with sauerkraut) and a slice of Swiss cheese in the middle.

Burp! Pardon me! But the Heckler is getting indigestion just typing-up these descriptions.

“We have had the opportunity to bring in a new concession item for the past two seasons and each of them have been very successful,” added Funderburg, proving that there is indeed a market for such wares for fans of the independent team, now in their sixth year of operation at their headquarters near St. Louis in Sauget, Ill.

Ain’t Sauget French for heart attack? Just asking - I could be wrong (The Heckler admittedly used to sleep during French class).

Take note – anyone looking to chow down on any of the forementioned items – they are sold only inside the stadium gates (defibrillator apparently not included).

for a pic of the doughnut burger, click here:
http://espn-att.starwave.com/media/mlb/2006/0310/photo/burger_195.jpg

sources:
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2362369
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4681090
http://www.snopes.com/food/origins/luther.asp

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 19th, 2006 at 7:10 pm and is filed under Baseball News and Views. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.